So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
