You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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