party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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