we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
