i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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