I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
