I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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