Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
How external is "for external use only"?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
