Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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