remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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