Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
God, I missed his penis.
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