So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Also, beer. Big fan.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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