Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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