Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
pop tarts are not kleenex
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
