Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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