remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Actions speak louder than pants.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
