I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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