True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
