I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
