So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Randomize
