Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Randomize
