i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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