New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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