Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
