What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
