you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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