I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
