He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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