So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
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