the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Still dying that you shit outside
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
