our cab driver is having phone sex.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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