I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
