She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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