I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
