i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
