I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
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