I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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