You just made me feel so damn special
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
