i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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