If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i dont even know how to be here
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
