i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
