Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
