Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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