then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
