highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
