Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
