I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
