Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
