Do you still have your period?
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
