you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
