Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
