I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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