take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
