When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
