jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
