I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Randomize
