I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
