I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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