She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
