He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
