Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize