i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
