Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
