Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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