Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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