every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
